Golf is so boring...or is it?

Well I’m not into golf. I don’t think I’ll ever play cause it looks so boring. And I’m actually nervous I might actually like it after everyone around me has been talking about it. Ahhh the agony! Lol. A few days ago I struck a convo with someone who worked at a golf magazine or maybe owned it. I don’t recall. Work was long, and I was catching the train. We talked, later began to hope all the people in print industry, have at least their foot in digital side, cause their seem to be some savings if I’m not mistaken. Anywho, so as I’m admiring the pages of his glossy luxury golf magazine, I find myself saying I’ll never play golf. That kind of game is not for me. It seems so not-me. I never tried it but…naaaa.

But later it struck me afterwards, I remembered someone saying we should never deny anything that comes our way though it may seems be in our way of our goals. You know, like people who say they will have kids at a certain age or won’t be committed too deeply in a relationship until they accomplish certain milestones in other areas of their life  or push going to the gym to the back burner cause there are more important things. Somethings seem so unrelated to your current life, so why even mess with it? Like - golf! But, you know how everything seem so darn connected. Falling back in one area of your life, somehow flows into the other areas. Since every darn thing is love or energy however you look at it, [you heard the phrase: “everything is everything”?] who’s to say that the guy you’ve been denying some lovin’ is the answer to other circumstances, situations you can’t even see? Who’s to say missing that Zumba class would actually allow you to sleep better, eat better and meet that babysister for your kids? I could not shake this feeling that maybe I shouldn't be so exclusive and rigid with on what I play or do. The crazy thing is, I was watching a YouTube of famous musician speaking about bring her A game on the golf course. Really? Really?! Is golf that serious? My, my. What in the world is wrong with you all? ;)

Have you told yourself you’ll never end up doing, ended up trying and oh goodness- loving it?

Breakdowns and Breakthroughs 3 of 3

Problem number 3 was around practicing piano and voice. Now this example can be taken for any hobby or passion of love that you may have. I’ve come to sort of plateau possiblily where my desire to practice isn’t as strong. The main reasons I've come to decipher is that I don’t feel ‘safe’ in my environment. Meaning more or less I don’t have privacy or space to practice the way I would love. So this puts a major toll. I've have looked at other solutions but nothing yet sustaining. Other facet to this conflict is that I’m not a relaxed state before I practice. Why would it matter? If I’m not relax enough to practice and stay with in this  zone for hours at a time, why would I want to stay. If I was consistent in approaching my music in a relaxed matter it would be a great habit for me to  continue. And even if I was stressed it would be  great place to go and let go of stress. But the thing is you have to have different state of mind. You have to prep your self. Even if it’s a minute or two. This is an up & down issue. Many factors right now affect my current practice or creation mode. So right now I don’t have a set routine.

Another dimension to this music practice ordeal is that I made it too significant. I had to question it again to break down. What are my true intentions ? What would happen if I didn’t accomplish my goals? Would I die? Would I give up? Who was I doing this for? Did it really matter? As of now I have finally let go and hold on lightly to an extra-terrestial idea of what I would love to accomplish and decided to focus on playing and singing for God. No stress, no worries. Living-this-moment kind of thing.

Source: Wallpapers

So where does that leave me..ha! In a better place. I gave you maybe a few inches of what circulated my brain this past weekend. Thank God we don't have a sensory feature on the computer and cell phones that allow you to feel the emotion I went through and what I feeling now. It would probably blow your mind. Hehe. But most importantly, I'm in a better place. I feel much lighter. 

Who knows what discoveries or peoples I'll come across. Hope it gave you something to roll on a bit. Until next time. 

Breakdowns and Breakthroughs 2 of 3

Problemo number 2 centered around sleep. I couldn’t sleep early if my life depended on it sometimes. This issue was always around. But a breakdown was just waiting for me. I came to a realization that I became guilty or upset sleeping early. Because if my day was not what I expected – if I didn’t do all the things I wanted to do, then I should work on doing these small tasks. Goodness gracious I was very good as beating myself up of all the fun stuff I woulda coulda shoulda done but didn’t. Being on my phone, computer or staring at my keyboard  became the main culprits of stealing my sleep. Being busy in some way meant I was “doing” something. If I didn’t get to do one thing off my “to-do/ta-dah” list I tried making up for it by doing something - anything else. Aimlessly surfing the web or on some social media platforms. 

Source: Bedding Selections

My breakthrough, as small as it was, came from free writing. My nimble fingers wrote that overworking doesn’t mean you add value to your task.  I deserve sleep – how else am I supposed to sustain my sweet youthful eyes at 40 years if I have pockets deeper than the Grand Canyon? Sometimes when you have done all you are capable of doing you got to stop and let Life/God do the rest. Again another area which will need baby steps but I am open. More self-mothering and being observant here. 

Problem number three was around praciting piano and voice. Now this example can be taken for ... Again tune in  one more time for Breakthroughs and Breakdowns 3 or 3.  Read part 1

What do you see?

Man wouldn't it be crazy if I could slide down the "bumpy" sea of clouds
across the sky? What fun. Just imaginin' that's all. 
But this photo definitely bring back Lion King (Mufasa & Simba -and don't-that-monkey character) back to mind. Maybe a trip to Johannesburg, South Africa or Kenya to join a safari adventure would be something to add to my life list. What do you love about this pic? Anything you see?

Source : Tumblr

Breakdowns and Breakthroughs

Source: Tumblr 

I did not know when I signed up on Katherine and Claire’s course I’d be having a breakdown every other week.  But the thing is I want to accomplish or at least be more ahead on my intention that I had set at the beginning of their course. Which is more or less centered around my connection with people. I just didn’t know all these emotions would come up. 

Feelings of failure, worthlessness, not being valuable, wanting to check out from this life were emotional patterns I experienced before but this time was more intense and entangled all in one. I allowed myself to sink deeper in this well of emotion and applied the techniques I’ve learned thus from their techniques– seeing and understanding one: that I was creating my own reality and two: I need to take more responsibility for bringing these patterns in my life. A lot of digging involved and man did I uncover some thangs.  The main theme surrounding my breakdowns in three areas of my life, was my need to be more loving to myself when entering into an uncomfortable zone without judgement. Ladies and gentleman not easy but coming to a point where I more present in this moment has been fruitful.

After a few hours of wallowing this past Saturday, I brought myself to journaling three areas I saw myself as a “failure” in when it came to food, sleep and practicing music. There’s no other way to tell you this, but that the Divine was present as I free wrote in my journal.

If we took food, for an example, I saw my lack of self will disturbing since I usually grabbed food whenever I was stress, anxious or not hungry. It had a numbing power to it. And I always felt guilty afterwards. Somehow, it allowed me not to feel. The first major breakthrough was centered around really being more alert as I was eating. Which was hungry - my body or my soul? Two different areas meant two different nourishment. Grabbing the nearest snack/meal to distress isn’t ideal especially if you end up not feeling because it’s a temporary fix.

Not easy to amend, but itty bitty baby steps is necessary. For me it meant being more gentle to myself. Shoot even talking to myself if I have to. Enough so I can calm, mother, lovingly care for the side that is hyped up about something. Sometimes stopping to breathe deeply is necessary. Other times its asking myself questions – what am I about to do? Do I really want this? If not, what can I do instead? What do I really want?

Problemo number two, centered around sleep. I couldn't sleep early if ... Tune in till next time for post 2 of 3 of Breakdowns and Breakthroughs.