Dec 5, 2011

Breakdowns and Breakthroughs

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I did not know when I signed up on Katherine and Claire’s course I’d be having a breakdown every other week.  But the thing is I want to accomplish or at least be more ahead on my intention that I had set at the beginning of their course. Which is more or less centered around my connection with people. I just didn’t know all these emotions would come up. 
Feelings of failure, worthlessness, not being valuable, wanting to check out from this life were emotional patterns I experienced before but this time was more intense and entangled all in one. I allowed myself to sink deeper in this well of emotion and applied the techniques I’ve learned thus from their techniques– seeing and understanding one: that I was creating my own reality and two: I need to take more responsibility for bringing these patterns in my life. A lot of digging involved and man did I uncover some thangs.  The main theme surrounding my breakdowns in three areas of my life, was my need to be more loving to myself when entering into an uncomfortable zone without judgement. Ladies and gentleman not easy but coming to a point where I more present in this moment has been fruitful.
After a few hours of wallowing this past Saturday, I brought myself to journaling three areas I saw myself as a “failure” in when it came to food, sleep and practicing music. There’s no other way to tell you this, but that the Divine was present as I free wrote in my journal.
If we took food, for an example, I saw my lack of self will disturbing since I usually grabbed food whenever I was stress, anxious or not hungry. It had a numbing power to it. And I always felt guilty afterwards. Somehow, it allowed me not to feel. The first major breakthrough was centered around really being more alert as I was eating. Which was hungry - my body or my soul? Two different areas meant two different nourishment. Grabbing the nearest snack/meal to distress isn’t ideal especially if you end up not feeling because it’s a temporary fix.
Not easy to amend, but itty bitty baby steps is necessary. For me it meant being more gentle to myself. Shoot even talking to myself if I have to. Enough so I can calm, mother, lovingly care for the side that is hyped up about something. Sometimes stopping to breathe deeply is necessary. Other times its asking myself questions – what am I about to do? Do I really want this? If not, what can I do instead? What do I really want?
Problemo number two, centered around sleep. I couldn't sleep early if ... Tune in till next time for post 2 of 3 of Breakdowns and Breakthroughs.

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