Breakdowns and Breakthroughs 3 of 3

Problem number 3 was around practicing piano and voice. Now this example can be taken for any hobby or passion of love that you may have. I’ve come to sort of plateau possiblily where my desire to practice isn’t as strong. The main reasons I've come to decipher is that I don’t feel ‘safe’ in my environment. Meaning more or less I don’t have privacy or space to practice the way I would love. So this puts a major toll. I've have looked at other solutions but nothing yet sustaining. Other facet to this conflict is that I’m not a relaxed state before I practice. Why would it matter? If I’m not relax enough to practice and stay with in this  zone for hours at a time, why would I want to stay. If I was consistent in approaching my music in a relaxed matter it would be a great habit for me to  continue. And even if I was stressed it would be  great place to go and let go of stress. But the thing is you have to have different state of mind. You have to prep your self. Even if it’s a minute or two. This is an up & down issue. Many factors right now affect my current practice or creation mode. So right now I don’t have a set routine.

Another dimension to this music practice ordeal is that I made it too significant. I had to question it again to break down. What are my true intentions ? What would happen if I didn’t accomplish my goals? Would I die? Would I give up? Who was I doing this for? Did it really matter? As of now I have finally let go and hold on lightly to an extra-terrestial idea of what I would love to accomplish and decided to focus on playing and singing for God. No stress, no worries. Living-this-moment kind of thing.

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So where does that leave me..ha! In a better place. I gave you maybe a few inches of what circulated my brain this past weekend. Thank God we don't have a sensory feature on the computer and cell phones that allow you to feel the emotion I went through and what I feeling now. It would probably blow your mind. Hehe. But most importantly, I'm in a better place. I feel much lighter. 

Who knows what discoveries or peoples I'll come across. Hope it gave you something to roll on a bit. Until next time. 

Breakdowns and Breakthroughs

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I did not know when I signed up on Katherine and Claire’s course I’d be having a breakdown every other week.  But the thing is I want to accomplish or at least be more ahead on my intention that I had set at the beginning of their course. Which is more or less centered around my connection with people. I just didn’t know all these emotions would come up. 

Feelings of failure, worthlessness, not being valuable, wanting to check out from this life were emotional patterns I experienced before but this time was more intense and entangled all in one. I allowed myself to sink deeper in this well of emotion and applied the techniques I’ve learned thus from their techniques– seeing and understanding one: that I was creating my own reality and two: I need to take more responsibility for bringing these patterns in my life. A lot of digging involved and man did I uncover some thangs.  The main theme surrounding my breakdowns in three areas of my life, was my need to be more loving to myself when entering into an uncomfortable zone without judgement. Ladies and gentleman not easy but coming to a point where I more present in this moment has been fruitful.

After a few hours of wallowing this past Saturday, I brought myself to journaling three areas I saw myself as a “failure” in when it came to food, sleep and practicing music. There’s no other way to tell you this, but that the Divine was present as I free wrote in my journal.

If we took food, for an example, I saw my lack of self will disturbing since I usually grabbed food whenever I was stress, anxious or not hungry. It had a numbing power to it. And I always felt guilty afterwards. Somehow, it allowed me not to feel. The first major breakthrough was centered around really being more alert as I was eating. Which was hungry - my body or my soul? Two different areas meant two different nourishment. Grabbing the nearest snack/meal to distress isn’t ideal especially if you end up not feeling because it’s a temporary fix.

Not easy to amend, but itty bitty baby steps is necessary. For me it meant being more gentle to myself. Shoot even talking to myself if I have to. Enough so I can calm, mother, lovingly care for the side that is hyped up about something. Sometimes stopping to breathe deeply is necessary. Other times its asking myself questions – what am I about to do? Do I really want this? If not, what can I do instead? What do I really want?

Problemo number two, centered around sleep. I couldn't sleep early if ... Tune in till next time for post 2 of 3 of Breakdowns and Breakthroughs.